Welcome to the Gap

Well well. I've thought about blogging several times since I've begun my "gap year," and today I finally reached my tipping point and needed a place to share my life (aka vent).

First off, some pics from my gap year thus far:

Joey & I at a wedding in Vail, CO.

Me, Scot (brother) & Emily (sister-in-law), doing the Color Run.

My precious nephew, Cody, that I've gotten to spend some quality time with as roommates.

This is my bus. I am a bus driver.

It's weird thinking back to a year ago. A year ago, I was taking the GRE and looking at grad schools. A year ago I was walking home with Joey, my then-classmate/acquaintance/after-class-frisbee-partner, now-boyfriend, and telling him I wasn't sure where I'd end up but was almost certain I wouldn't be in Lawrence after I graduated. He told me he didn't want to be in Denver, and look where we both are. Also, a year ago I was thinking I wouldn't find a guy for a few years at least.
Funny how things change.

One thing I've learned so far in this gap year is that the only thing constant is change. I know, I know. Everyone says that. I never understood it until I didn't have any actual structure in my life. I feel like people must think I'm crazy. Every time anyone asks me what I'm doing, even if they asked me the day before, I give a different answer. A week ago I was seriously job-hunting in Denver to move there ASAP. Yesterday I was waiting to hear about Teach for America (TFA), and planning on going wherever they sent me. Today I'm living with my brother and his wife and their 2 1/2-year old son.

But, today, everything is different.
I've suspended my Denver job-hunt as I got a job baking cupcakes downtown. (One of my life dreams is to own a bakery; this experience is too great to pass up!) Thus, I am no longer planning on moving to Denver ASAP, which means long-distance dating will continue.
Today I heard from TFA. I didn't get accepted, which is kind of what made me reach the tipping point to start this thing.
This weekend I'm turning in all of my military gear, as my six-year commitment is over this month.
Next week I'll be moving out of my brother's house and into my parent's house.

The biggest shaker right now is the TFA. I didn't want to admit it but I was just assuming I would get in. I felt great about my interview. My friends told me there was no way I couldn't get accepted. So I put my hope in getting to do that next year. So now what?
My mistake was checking my email while I was at work (I drive buses) and reading the email. This led to me driving a bus and trying not to cry. Hugest lump in my throat ever.
I texted Joey, and he told me all the right things:

"I'm sorry... that stinks...you'll still have plenty of opportunities in other jobs and things you want to do." 

"We'll find something. God will provide!"

I was telling myself these same things. Even thinking about how this time next year we will probably look back and think "Praise the Lord Kelsie didn't get TFA. [insert situation here] is so much better." But it's so hard for me to have this perspective when I don't get what I want. I'm used to getting what I want.

I don't have any words of wisdom to share right now. I don't have uplifting thoughts. I want to say:

"I can see God working in this! So far this year I've learned [insert stories of amazing faith and trust in the Lord] and have been trusting in His plan."

but what I'm really thinking is:

"What the heck am I gonna do now? I know You have a plan but why can't I just know it now? I'm tired of not knowing, of being directionless, of feeling quasi-homeless, of having every door I knock on go unopened. AAAAAAARRGGGHHHHH."

So welcome to my gap year.